They say there are only two things in life you can count on: death and taxes. Well, the first isn’t true for Keith Richards and many have found ways to skitter, duck and hide out from the second. Nope, the real things you can be sure of is that, in the December, George Bailey will always discover that It’s a Wonderful Life, the cherub-like Ralphie will always get his Red Ryder B.B. gun and The Grinch;s heart will grow three sizes.
Now, are you like me? Do you enjoy mix and mingling a bit of Cherry Coke in with your eggnog? Err, no, wait, I mean do you just get tired of the same specials filled with sugary smiles, life lessons and cookie-cutter plots that seem pulled right off a Hallmark greeting card? Around this time of year my cockles start to cool on the same old carols, the same old television specials and the same old movies. I just want to toss ‘em into the back of the closet with Auntie Roger’s yearly fruit cake offering.
This is the perfect junction to break out some dysfunction! Gremlins, Die Hard and Canuck horror flick Black Christmas are all on the list I check twice every year but if you really want to strangest of cinematic gifts you gotta’ look to the back of the tree. You know the ones. They are usually reserved for third cousins who may or may not stop by only discovered when you’re taking the tree down sometime after New Year's Day only to be regifted to coworkers nest year! Still, if you absolutely NEED to get at them during prime gifting giving time, well, roll up the sleeves on your ugly Christmas sweater and do some digging.
Then again, you could just look below for my listing of bizarre not-so-Christmas-clas'sicks you gotta’ see to believe. These oddities are more naughty than nice and, oh yeah, for a few of ‘em you may want to add a bit of extra jingle to your nog...if you catch my drift!
Lady in the Lake (1947) Not to be confused with the flick that almost sunk M. Night Shyamalan (that’s Lady in the Water), this 1947 Film Noir marked the directorial debut of actor Robert Montgomery. Set a few days before Christmas, the film tried to play off the popular first-personal narrative styles in the pulp novels in a truly unique way. The camera is the viewer, the film being shot from the point of view of the lead character. You see what he sees. This, of course, is Noir, so you got murder, mystery, betrayal and blackmail. Hey, it’s kinda’ like a typical family gathering around the holiday season…err…maybe with a little less murder.
Santa Claus (1959)
If we're going to talk about Christmas crazy, the king firmly planted on that throne since 1959 has been this head-scratching-double-take of a film from Mexico. Santa, who now inexplicably resides in heaven with Merlin of King Arthur lore (you know, just ‘cause), has a collective of overworked children gathered (read: trapped) together in song and toy making within a crystal palace workshop. Satan, who has had enough of this merriment, sends one of his minions to Earth to end Christmas forever. First stop (well, only stop), Mexico! You really want to watch this one with the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew. As they observe: “it’s good old fashioned nightmare fuel!”
Elves (1989) The tagline for this festive horror flick reads that these elves are “not working for Santa…anymore.” Nope, rearrange a few of those letters and you get another guy in red that these dudes are taking orders from this Christmas. Actually, come to think of it, I think there is only one of them. Imagine the surprise when you actually click this Elf on Netflix! Anywho, Nerdist put it best:
“Ever thought, man there aren’t enough Christmas movies about elves who are accidentally summoned by Pagan teens, only to bring about the second coming of Hitler?”
Trapped in Paradise (1994)
Nicolas Cage, Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey never acted together again and that’s a crying shame because the trio are comedy gold. Picture this flick as Dog Day Afternoon with more laughs as it finds three idiotic brothers attempting to rob a bank in Paradise, Pennsylvania, a town so full of kindness and Americana whimsy you’d think the screenplay was written by Norman Rockwell!
Jack Frost (1998) Though not the horror flick of the same name that came out a year before, this one is just as freaky. I mean, seriously, who green lit the premise of a dad biting it in a car crash only to be reincarnated as a snowman? Wait, three of Frank Zappa’s kids are in this? Well, that explains a lot. What else was in those holiday treats Mr. Keaton? This tries to be happy go lucky but succeeds only in crazy go creepy!
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) If you ask anyone from Finland they’ll probably tell you that Santa Claus originates from their homeland. How better to illustrate their point then by making a flick where the wrong jolly old elf is actually a murderous demon that had to be encased in ice for a few centuries only to have yet more evil elves (though this time naked, old crusty dudes taking a break from cantankerously asking you to vacate their lawns) rise up to cause mayhem when corporate greed tries to awaken the beast. Roger Ebert called it “a rather brilliant lump of coal for your stocking.” That coal helps fuel a slow burn but the payoff in the last 20 minutes is pretty damned spectacular.
Krampus (2015) Director Michael Dougherty already gave me a Halloween tradition with Trick 'r Treat! As a follow up he lets us unwrap Krampus, another horror/comedy with some gentle nudges to some B-movie classics. This is the flick where the cookies eat you…well, capture you for a demon set on terrorizing an obnoxious family, anyway. After the first 20 minutes, trust me, you'll kinda' want to root for Krampus to chow down on this bunch of Grinches! If you've never heard the legend of anti-Claus this is a good thrill-filled introduction.