Canada's Wonderland just announced that the world's fastest, tallest and longest dive coaster is coming to The Great White North in 2019. Color me as one of the less excited minority because if you popped me on that thing you'd be coloring me green. Amusement park thrill-seekers love people like me. In the parlance of our times we are referred to as the “non-rider” but back in the days of ye olde frontier I’d have been the bearded and upright version of ye olde pack mule.
(Incidentally, Bearded and Upright is now the title of my future autobiography. Look for it where all fine books are holding up all fine wobbly coffee tables!)
The pack mule was where you unloaded all the crap you really didn’t feel like carrying. They were the bus station coin-operated lockers of their day or, as mentioned, the vastly more affordable amusement park non-rider. For the low low price of nothing to a donut, we gladly place backpacks on our backs, fanny packs on our fannies and tetra packs on our tetra. Cell phones, keys, lipstick, watches…yup, pop them into deez pockets! You got ‘em, we’ll take ‘em and guard them with our lives.
Why do we offer this service, you may wonder? Simply put, those lives in which we are guarding your cherished positions are lives that contain exceptionally weak stomachs prone to tossing the proverbial cookies at the slightest hint of any uncommon motion. This could be the kind of rock and roll you find on a winding roads, any waves of water, the occasional spiral staircase and, oh yeah, freakin’ rollercoasters!
For this Upchuck Canuck, a half-assed attempt at The Floss can quickly turn into a full on projection of The Spew. Yuppers, I was peachy-keeno being the pack mule last week when my lovely partner and her rug-rats took their annual pilgrimage to Canada’s Wonderland and invited me along for the ride without rides. For all you American readers, Wonderland is like Disney-light, meaning remove a good chunk of the attractions, replace Mickey with a famous beagle and pencil in a couple more Mounties alongside some Beavertail stands. Beavertail is good eating, my U.S. of A friends!
Thankfully for me and all my non-riding kindred, Wonderland isn’t alllllll about The Behemoth and Leviathan. While your friends and loved ones are shrieking, looping and plummeting from above, us folk on the ground have choice!
Dinosaurs Alive Ok, who remembers when Wonderland had places like the Bedrock Dock, the HotRock Raceway and rides like the Flintstones Flyboys? Before all things Schultz took over the children’s area of the park with Planet Snoopy, this was called Hanna-Barbera Land. You could wander around Yogi’s Woods, chow down in Scoobyville and, yup, visit with the modern Stone Age Family. When Nickelodeon swooped down in the early 00s Fred, Wilma and Dino slowly became extinct. Nowadays, the Wonderland dinosaurs are a lot less cartoony and can be found in the form of 40 lifelike animatronic creations in the Dinosaurs Alive exhibit. Some of them are controllable because, let’s face it, all of us have at least a little place inside that really wants to take the helm of a giant reptile robot. If you want to tap into your inner paleontologist you’re going to have to dig up more cash but this place is a great time killer. Of course you’ve got the more popular T-Rex and Velociraptor but the attraction works in a few of the lesser known creatures like the Ruyangosaurus. Woo hoo for giving the Ruyangosaurus some love. He was developing a complex. These were the original behemoths that romped about these lands long before the mammoth coasters. Besides, this tail thrashing, roaring and clawing exhibit is a much more stomach soothing thrill.
Splash Works Yeah, alright, some of these wet and wild water slides are twisty an turny but if you avoid things like the Barracuda Blaster and Black Hole, most of these are a straight zip to a refreshing cool down. Even if you don’t hit up the slides, this 20-acre waterpark has places to float away the day. The Lazy River is a quarter-mile of relaxation where you can just coast on a steady current of lethargy and White Water Bay is one of the country’s biggest spots to catch a wave outside of Tofino or the Kananaskis River. As far as the slides go --and some of them go pretty far--, even my queasy is quelled on the Riptide Racer. Entrance to the all these water works is free with admission.
Live Shows I’ve already mentioned how the Peanuts gang is now permeating the park. You can often see Linus, Franklin and Patty bustin’ a move, especially near the main entrance. At Wonderland Charlie Brown sheds his depression and angst. At Wonderland Lucy would actually hold the football for you to kick. The deviation from these characters actual portrayal in the Schultz strip is understandable. I mean Lucy’s Psychiatry Booth probably wouldn’t make for a good ride even if it would only cost ya’ a nickel. Anywho, the cast comes together daily for musical performances like Snoopy’s Dog Days of Summer, something both you and your wee ones can enjoy.
If you’re looking for something a little less kiddie there are some aerial antiques and acrobatics to see. I caught the Flying Frontenacs Stunt and Dive show, aka: The Mounties of the Caribbean. These divers take the plunge from up to 70ft off the boat in Arthur’s Baye. Cirque Canadien is also on hand (as well as trapeze) to wow you in with athleticism in a wooded setting where the lumberjacks soar and the raccoons paddle canoes. Only in Canada, folks!
Smack dab in the middle of the park, the Victoria Falls High Divers take to Wonder Mountain for a show that has thrilled crowds for over 30 years. Later in the evening you can be dazzled by the display of lights and lasers all set to music and a 3D projection right on the mountain.
Fill ‘Er Up Don’t churn your stomach, fill it up! Alpen Cheesery, the Marketplace International Buffet, the Waveside Tikki Bar and Thrill Burger, if you got a craving calling there’s a place a Wonderland where you can answer it.
While you can find Canadian favorites like poutine and Tim Hortons donuts all over the park, I personally like taking a trip back in time at Coasters. This classic 1950’s diner is where you can bop to some golden oldies while slurping up one of the best shakes around.
But, let’s be honest with ourselves, you can’t leave Wonderland without sampling one of the parks famous funnel cakes. This signature treat is made from a super-secret recipe and best served topped with strawberries and ice cream.
If you want to get inventive with your desert you can create your own funnel cake deliciousness at Medieval Funnel Cakes.
Game On Baskets, hoops, bottles, balls, targets… all your usual midway delights are here. If you’ve ever wanted to win a Squirtle the size of Alaska here’s your chance! While it’s easy to get sucked into the games with “a winner every time”, us non-riders need to remember two things: 1) if we actually win that over-sized stuffy it’s one more thing we gotta’ carry; and 2) no matter how many baskets you think you can sink or how many bullseyes you believe you can hit, these things are a quick way to relieve you of your moolah. Play in moderation, ask yourself if you really need that pink polka dotted giraffe and save your cash for the more important things in life…more funnel cakes!
So, you see, us non-riders have plenty of amusement park amusements while everybody else is getting the mosters from the coasters.
I haven’t even mentioned shopping yet! Let's be honest, who couldn’t use another ten key chains or one of those snazzy squid hats?